For the heart I once had
by FamousImmortal
Summary: When dean was in he'll...Sam wasn't alone. plenty of Sam angst
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Beta'd by penmin, Thanks a ton hun!**

**___________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Sam wiped his eyes which were swollen from crying, grabbed the tissue box and realized he was out of tissues '_shit' _now what was he going to do? His brother had just died and it was his entire fault. He would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done.

He took another swig of tequila which he'd mixed with whiskey, to swallow the pain he felt burning in his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut to block the tears that were threatening to fall down his ragged face.

He wanted to scream, wanted someone to punish him for what had happened, but he couldn't scream...and no one was there...no one could come for him, he was all alone and he would always be.

All of a sudden for some strange reason, he felt hungry...no starving, like he hadn't eaten anything in days. He needed food to fill his churning stomach. But, he didn't deserve to eat...no, not after what he'd done.

"Fuck it," he said out loud, he knew no one heard him, so they couldn't do shit about it. He stood up and winced when he heard his bones pop. Damn was it just him or was he getting old? Who cares anyway, maybe he'll just live in this room and grow old and die here and no one would care. They wouldn't care anyway if they had known what he'd done.

He grabbed his wallet and slid his jacket on, he thought twice about bringing the mixed drink with him, but for right now…he didn't feel like having a confrontation with the police. He thought about it again then decided to go to the nearest bar to drink his pain away. He slammed the door not caring who it bothered or who it pissed off. Cause of right now…he didn't give a shit about anything.

--

The dark figure watched as the younger man walked to the Impala. He smiled, hoping his plan would work. He had been planning it for a long time, and he could wait.

Somebody hates you Sammy…

--

Sam pulled up in the dirty gravel which substituted cement for the bar, granted it was a crappy rundown little bar that looked like it was made out of an abandoned shack, he didn't care…as long as he had some beer and alcohol to numb the emotional pain he felt.

When he walked in, he could feel the eyes of everyone on him, like they could see right through him…like they knew what he had done.

He sat down on a barstool as the waitress came up, she was pretty, with dark brown hair, piercing blue eyes and a full mouth, but that wasn't what he was here for…he didn't deserve her anyway, even if he did, he would be condemned to hell.

"What can I get for ya sugar?" Her voice sounded like pure honey and sugar mixed together, it was beautiful.

"B-beeer and whisky pleaaase," he slurred his words.

"Oh uh okay, comin right up darling."

He assumed it was obvious that he was already drunk, but what did it matter? He felt a hell of a lot better when he was drunk than when he was sober.

It seemed like forever for his drink to come, he considered leaving but hey, he did not pay ten bucks to sit on a stool.

The waitress gave him his drink and smiled and then went to go help another customer. Sam nursed his drink and again felt the tears come, _'If Dean were here, he would go and try to hook up with that chick…'_ But Dean wasn't here…he would never be able to hook up with another chick again. That was it…no more Sammy's…no more bitch…no more of Dean making fun of him being a geek. He would miss it…a lot.

About an hour later the bar started to clear, he decided it was time for him to go too. He left a five dollar tip and then walked out the door almost stumbling over his own feet.

When he reached the Impala he fumbled in his pocket searching for his keys, but then he stopped, something on the windshield caught his eye. It was a written message…and it was in blood.

"Somebody really hates you Sammy"

And then his world went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam awakened to find himself in a dark basement leaning against a wall, or at least he felt like he was leaning, He had a huge headache, and he was definitely hung-over, mixing his drinks probably wasn't the best option. His wrists hurt like hell and he had no clue why. After a while his eyes adjusted to the darkness around him, and no he could feel it, something dangerous, he wasn't sure what it was but he knew it wasn't good.

"Hello there Sammy…ya remember me?"

Sam jumped at the voice in the darkness, oh god he was kidnapped..."Should I?"

"Think harder Sammy boy…" Sam did think, but it was no use, whoever this man was…was not making anything easy for him

"I'm thinking okay? Or how about you come out now"

"Haha I knew you would give up fast."

The man came out from the shadows, Sam now recognized him, "Damon"

"Bingo! You deserve a prize for that"

Sam should have recognized his smooth velvety voice before, Damon was like Dean in ways, dressed like Dean but he always wore a black leather jacket, and his eyes were the brightest green Sam had ever seen, brighter than Dean's eyes, he had fine straight brown hair, woman would have classified him as handsome, but as for right now, his looks were disheveled, his hair was messed up and there was something in his eyes that burned like fire, he looked angry, like he could strike out and kill him right now, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? Hm…what am I doing here…oh yeah…I'm here to tell you…it's your fault"

"What is?"

"Dean's death Sam! What did you think it was, painting my car?" Damon lashed out at him, Sam instantly knew the man was drunk, "you killed my best friend Sam!"

"I didn't…I didn't do it on purpose" He looked away, it truly wasn't his fault, the idiot ent and made the deal without thinking.

"hah! You didn't do it on purpose?? To hell you didn't!" Damon yelled.

"He was my brother, why would I"

"Why would you? Because you're so damn selfish and ignorant Sam"

"No…it was an accident, the crossroads deal remember? He made it"

_Dean looked impatiently at his watch, he had been sitting here for an hour waiting for Damon to come meet him, but of course, Damon was always late to everything. He was thinking about leaving when he saw his friends black BMW pull up, sure Damon was a cool guy, but he had to have the best stuff. His friend got out of the car and slammed the door shut. _

"_Wow man, last time I did that you freaked out and gave me a speech on how to treat high quality cars"_

_Damon took long strides over to Dean, "You called and said it was important so I got over here as fast as I could"_

_Dean raised his eyebrows at Damon, "That was fast alright"_

"_Anyway…I haven't seen you in a while man…what's up?"_

"_Uh" Dean looked away from Damon, "Nothing…nothing really" Except that he was going to die in a year._

"_So what have you been doing? I'm sorry I didn't really talk to you since your dad" Guilt replaced his friends smile._

"_Yeah just uh…hunting and uh other stuff" Dean knew that Damon would see through his façade, yeah sure Damon could be easy to trick but he wasn't stupid…it was only a matter of time…_

"_Yeah um…" Damon looked uncomfortable, "other than that, are you okay?"_

"_Yeah uh…"_

"_Something you wanna tell me?" Damon cocked his head to the side and his eyes went wide as he stared at Dean in disbelief, "You didn't get some chick pregnant did you?!"_

"_What? No"_

"_Okay well that's a relief" Damon smiled at his friend smacking him playfully on the shoulder._

"_You have to promise me you won't get mad…please"_

"_Yeah sure okay"_

_Dean trusted Damon with his life but the man was not a truthful person, "You swear?"_

"_Cross my heart stick a needle in my eye, if I lie I will die" Damon smiled._

"_Dude, how old are you five?" Dean joked, then his face turned serious, "I made a deal"_

"_A…deal?"_

"_Yeah you know…" Dean looked down but his eyes were still locked on Damon's intense green, "Crossroads…deal…uh…demon…" He felt himself grow smaller._

"_How long do you got" Damon said quietly._

"_A uh…year" This time Dean couldn't bear to look in his best friends eyes, but he could still feel their intense anger predetermined on him._

_Damon didn't say a word to Dean, but just glared at him, "What? Dude say something please, you're kind of freakin me out with whole…not talking thing…"_

"_Why…"_

"_Why what?" no matter how Damon was going to act, Dean knew he was in big trouble with the man, cause once you pissed Damon off there was no turning back._

"_Why did you make the deal Dean?"_

"_I'm sorry man…"_

Damon looked down and squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears from coming out, Dean didn't deserve to Die, this…monster did, "To hell with his deal!! You're nothing but a goddamn monster!"

"I'm not…I didn't…Damon, just kill me" Sam pleaded but it was no use.

"Ha, kill you? No way, I just got started Sammy boy! No way am I ending my fun" Damon smiled taking a swig of the whiskey.

"Stop, I loved Dean okay?"

"So did I Sam, so did I…I loved him like a little brother…but now he's gone…and it's all because of you!!!"

"I know I did Damon…and I'm sorry" Sam looked at Damon in the eye hoping for a spark of forgiveness, searching for a sign that the Damon he knew while Dean was alive, was there, but there was no sign, Damon's electric green eyes were filled with resentment and rage, a hurricane was about to be unleashed on him.

"No you're not…and you will never be"

"I am…" Sam looked away as a tear fell down his face.

"Really Sammy? You think you're fucking sorry? The hell would Dean Think about that huh?" Damon slapped him, it wasn't a hard slap but it was good enough to make any man cry out in pain.

Sam fell silent, he decided it was best to stay quiet for now on, just like Dean had said, once you pissed Damon off, it wasn't easy getting him back to the winning side.

"What, you have nothing to say now? Huh Sammy!?"

Sam remembered something Dean told him that Damon was a sucker for, puppy dog looks, so he gave him his best one hoping it would loosen up the man a little even maybe a lot.

"Don't give me that damned puppy dog look, I'm not going to kill you not yet, so keep dreaming…" Well his plan didn't work, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to give up, especially on forgivness.

"Damon…" He said quietly.

"Don't Damon me" Damon spat, "You remember when you left for college? You wanna know what that did to your brother?!"

"He did ok?" Sam didn't know what it did to Dean, because Dean never broke down and cried, Dean was strong, Dean would hold it in until he couldn't no longer, there was no Dean anymore…

"He did ok? That's what you really think? Huh Sam?"

"Well what do you want me to say Damon?" He said through clenched teeth.

"I want you to tell me…why did you leave your brother…you know what he did?!"

"What did he do?"

"You're brother almost killed himself Sam!"

"What…?"

Damon's face turned from a twisted rage filled with anger, to a calm smooth look, although his eyes still had the resentment in them, for the first time of the night, Sam was scared of the man, "He almost killed himself and you're Lucky I was there to save him"

_Damon bit his lower lip as he quickly scanned the premises of the building, Deans not here…dammit, John said he would be, but maybe he was lying. John had called him to go find Dean, john had even ruined his night which was supposed to be spent with his girlfriend, but Damon had some saving to do, especially if it was his best friend, he' d do anything for Dean…anything._

"_Dean!" He yelled one more time his voice hoarse from all the yelling and he was sure the people that were living in the area would like to come out and batter him up for yelling like a madman in the middle of the night. But surly they would understand…maybe they might have even seen Dean._

_Damon had almost given up in the search of his friend until he saw a lump on the bridge, he jogged over to the body and realized it was Dean, "Dean? Dean!"_

"_D-damon?" _

"_Hey man what the hell are you doing out here for?" Damon studied his friends face and realized he had been crying. It was a rare sight to see Dean Winchester cry, "Dean? Are you okay_

"_He…he left D-Damon" Dean sobbed._

"_Who?" _

"_Sammy….he left"_

_Damon's mouth formed and O shape as he nodded on recognition, "I'm sorry man…but that's no reason to kill yourself" He said calmly, running a soothing hand up and down his friends back._

"_Yes it is Damon, he left and I couldn't stop it, he's never coming back, he even said so…I didn't even get to say goodbye…"_

"_Aw come on Dean…" Damon felt bad for Dean, he truly felt for his friend's pain and he knew what it was like to lose someone dear to you._

"_Yes it is, Dad and him had a huge fight man…and Dad told him if he walked out that door he better not come back…"_

"_And Sam left didn't he…" Damon's jaw clenched as he gave his friend a hug, hate was rising within his heart, and it burned like fire, this was the beginning of his revulsion for Sam Winchester._

_-_

"I had no idea…" Sam was shocked, Dean never said much of what happened when he left, Sam thought he was fine or he just didn't want to say anything, When Dean had a secret, it was hard to get it out of him.

"You had no idea?" Damon's brows raised and he laughed uncontrollably, "That's because you never cared"

"I always cared….he was my brother" Sam loved Dean more than anything, more than himself, more than Jess, Dean had always taken care of him, and now it was too late for Sam to repay his brother back.

"I bet you I cared for him more than you did!" Damon pulled Sam's hair, jerking his head back to face him.

"I needed to get away…I thought he understood" Sam struggled to say.

"you thought he understood…" Damon pulled harder and stared Sam in the eye with such resentment, such anger…Sam swore to himself that if looks could kill, he would've already been dead.

"Yeah…when I talked to him, he seemed a little sad…but not suicidal" It wasn't the whole truth because Sam had only talked to Dean three times out of the two years he was gone.

"Oh he was suicidal…and YOU did that to him! You fucking monster! He almost killed himself because of you once, and now he's dead forever because of YOU!"

"Damon…please…" Sam begged, trying to hold back the tears, if Dean would ever be angry at him now, it would be because he was being such a wuss.

"Please? Oh write be a sob story Sam, grow the hell up…I'll be back tomorrow" Damon threw Sam's head forward but stopped him from falling, "Don't think I'm going to be nice and easy with you Sammy boy, I have a game planned, and I'm excited for it…and trust me, it's going to be a game you'd never see coming"


End file.
